But I don't know what I'm doing!!

It's enough to make you want to run and hide and to be honest for many parents its just what we do (or at least want to do). Maybe even our way of coping! Out of crippling fear that we might mess things up even more or make the situation worse, we choose to let the other parent do it, they know what they are doing anyway!
But who is then left to help our child? To understand this moment that is new for us all? Who is left to help the child who isn't coping? In a situation we may have seen all to often, but now our ideas have run out?
"I don't know what I am doing" is not an option that many of us have, as we are the one's left standing...we are the ones that just have to do it!

So I take a soulful breath, I close my eyes and think. Embrace that moment of mental silence that helps me take the leap into my child's world while still holding on to the logical world that is mine. Hoping that something I am about to try may work (even just slightly). I am the one who's mind is open to trying something new, maybe I even see failure as being one step closer to the solution. For these irrational and unexplainable moments I need to be his calm and logic. It's time to put my needs and comfort aside and literally role with the punches (headbutts, bites and all). To be there for OUR child who is fighting for control in an out of control and intensified world...I don't know what I am doing, but I have to try!

One thing that I have learned as a parent, especially an Autistic parent...Parenting is not about you or me, it's not about what makes you feel better or what makes me look better to others. It is about being in that hardest of times with your child, putting your own frustrations and emotions aside and being motivated purely by the needs of your child. You need to come from a place that wants to help your child, it's not about you making a mistake or me saying the wrong thing, it's about you trying to get through with some hope that we can work this out and to not take it personally as a parent when it doesn't. Holding onto hope that everything will be OK.

Walking away is the easy way, making excuses and saying "but I don't know" is easy! When our child was diagnosed with Autism, you're right...I DON"T KNOW WHAT I"M DOING either!! But I don't have the option to not figure it out. So go and hide in your delusion that just because I am the mom I know what I am doing, that it comes naturally to me, its something I'm born with, I am the mom...whatever!

But know that when ever you do take that leap, no matter what the outcome, if it doesn't work, you stumble to find words, or something works. When you say "I don't know what I am doing, but I'm going to try anyway!" Know that I am looking at you as my hero, who was brave enough to enter this crazy moment, to try and save his family.

Here goes nothing...choosing anti-anxiety medication for my Autistic 9yr old son

Gulp! We are finally taking that big leap. I guess typing the word finally, we knew all along it would get to this point, but now to wait and see what will come from it? Will there be side-effects? good or bad? Will one of these be the brain numbing that I felt when I was on the drug? Will he lose his appetite? something that is already non-existent. Will my little skinny guy lose even more weight? ahh! so many uncertainties and worries, maybe I need the anxiety medication just to stop me from worrying so much about this..!! But I have to keep telling myself that there could be the good outcomes we want to, like less worry that controls every choice he makes! Worry about the what ifs, the worry about totally irrational situations that i can not find rhyme or reason in let alone provide any logical solution to. Oh is this going to be the big break we both need from this life controlling anxiety, worry and fear! Fingers are crossed for both our sanities!!
Yes we have made the choice to put Harry on Anxiety medication. His little life was being totally controlled by it, the progress that we were hoping for from taking "natural" paths only showed us more, why he needed to be on it!
Last night before bed we started him on 1.5ml of Celexa twice a day. I gave his next dose this morning with breakfast, which was met with huge opposition as he thought it would make him to tired for school. He eventually drank it and straight away complained of being tired. Ah what am I to think? however he went to school so now I just have to wait and see what happens? maybe I should not of told him about the drugs?  I chose to so that he could see if it made a difference with him too? I needed to know what he was feeling and if started feeling different in good or bad ways, although he is a little hypochondriac so I really don't know what he is going to come up with. maybe I should not of told him? oh crap!!
Will keep posting here with updates of changes and document the progress!
Putting our son on med's has not been an easy choice, in fact it has been a constant option that we have fought with a united NO! But after years and years of seeking the alternative to med's, like behavioral therapies, psychologists, soothing techniques and diets. We have not seen any change in the heightened level of anxiety!

Doing Disney World with an Autistic child, a mental mom, a totally inflexible dad and a brother who has sensory issues...whoo hoo!

It's one of those moments, when the reaction you give is not the one you ever expected to, when its all you can do to dig deep, put on your fake smile and gushy happiness and say... "Disney World...whoo hoo!" combined with a happy dance that any normal mom would do.My response really was more of a..."Oh Shit!" with thoughts instantly asking... is alcohol even allowed in the parks? and who will need the drugs more, me or the kids? With what I believe to be a look of sheer horror on my face! That sums up my reaction to going on a fun-o'le-family trip. What am I to think when presented with this opportunity, have you met my family? With my mind already doing circles of the what if's and thinking about escape routes in the park, not to mention the huge crowds and the waiting in lines...ahh and all the people (ok shoot me know!), I started hyperventilating, I took a deep breath and let it sink in...Agh!
In all honesty what a great opportunity, I know it will come with its challenges, but it will also provide those unforgettable family moments too...you know the one of a mom trying to console a screaming child who is flailing around on the ground like he is being murdered! Oh yes I have images of that happening in front of Cinderellas castle, or after waiting in line for hours to go on a ride...ahh what a treat! Wish me luck!
I'll post our trip soon, the preparations I made, what worked and didn't work bla bla bla. Stay tuned!!


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ABA Therapist - Beth Stoughton

Beth Stoughton
(206) 388-8717

16000 SE 172nd Pl.

Renton, WA 98058

bethstoughton@comcast.net

Beth's practice focuses on home and school based programming with a special interest in collaboration with school teams. Home program development, supervision and oversight as well as IEP development, review, participation in team meetings and continued monitoring to ensure proper implementation and progress. Development of school programming grounded in ABA and empirically based curriculum. Functional Behavior Assessments and addressing challenging behaviors in the public school environment (behavior support plans). Provides pre-service and in-service training and on -going support to school teams. Evaluations of current school placements, with research based recommendations. She is a Microsoft provider, as well as Triwest. (Demo project and ECHO)

Child Institute

We toured the Child Institute yesterday on Mercer Is.
Don't know if I am scared, shocked or excited? It was hard to see some of the kids and what they were going through? My heart is sad to see kids who are not in control. Harry seemed so normal compared to these kids, which in its self was a little scary to think of sending him here. He is no way as bad as 90% of those kids, it was shocking to see. Maybe he is worse than I thought? Maybe I am thinking too much into it? Maybe he is not as bad as I think and we just need to keep searching for the thing that works for him in a normal environment? Feeling a little lost today (OK more lost than normal!) Its overwhelming still, I love him so much and that is why it is so hard!!!

Mercury in HIGH- FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP 1 of 2

UW Autism Center

The next step on Harry's journey is to have him evaluated at UW Autism Center. The teachers and ourselves are noticing some behaviors with that may indicate Aspergas(sp?) or Autism Spectrum Disorder. We booked him in today and have our first appointment on the 5th of May. I am crossing my fingers for some answers!!

http://depts.washington.edu/uwautism/Bios/kelly.html

Some of the signs...

• Fixation on belongings, thoughts, conversation
• Phobia of germs, loud noises, bright lights, being breathed on
• "Overreacts" when things don't go his way
• Never sure what will set of depression/anxiety with him
• Insecure and wanting to be accepted
• Rituals, always needing to wear the same clothes
• Still has a stuffed animal that needs to go everywhere and is "real"
• Cries in front of peers if things don't go right
  
• Inflexible, can not stand change from his routine or what he expects
• Has to talk about what he wants too and not interested in others around him
• Socially, does not relate to peers, does not participate in play or conversation
• Very creative/imaginative, has a hard time distinguishing between this and reality
• Always believes his way is the only way, will not listen or learn from others
• Is often in a daze, will not make eye contact for more than a second
• Does not understand simple commands and will need to be repeated
• Is not really aware of his responsibilities and still waits for prompting

May 5th - 9:30am: Parent Intake (get there 15mins early+IEP)
May 11th- 1pm -3pm: Harry one on one
May 19th- 9:30am: Harry one on one
May 27th- 1pm: Parent feedback
June 24th- 1pm: Optional Parent feedback